A ‘New Southern Strategy’

Ah well, maybe not so new: Republican lawmaker Kyle Biedermann said in a statement, according to Fox News: “The federal government is out of control and does not represent the values of Texans. That is why I am committing to file legislation this session that will allow a referendum to give Texans a vote for the state of Texas to reassert its status as an independent nation.”

Take a deep breath, Kyle. We tried that a while back and it was a mixed bag

Yeah, we got rid of slavery but bolted down racism in what had been the Confederacy for another 150 years. And along with the Klan and a few other niceties like lynchings, that good old down-home-to-Jesus brand of white supremacy evangelism took over. You know the kind I mean, the private jet and whores Sunday-go-to-meeting, send in your money now brand.

Anyway Kyle, let’s just sample a slice of that independence pie and see how it tastes

You guys would need a president and VP, which would probably be Lindsey and Mitch, take your pick for top of the ticket. Then you’d need a military and all that CIA-FBI kind of stuff, ‘cause you couldn’t have ours. Then there’s welfare, roadbuilding, schools and taxes. Sorry to have to say it, but Texas would pretty much have to carry the whole load. All that money that used to come from California, Illinois and New York wouldn’t be there anymore.

So a Southern strategy of taking off on your own isn’t really all that much of a threat

For one thing, the United States would lose Graham and McConnell right off the bat and it would probably take us three or four years just to get over the enormous relief. All those AK-47 carrying lunatics raising hell in our major cities would now officially be your Proud Boys and we could actually accomplish the gun control 70% of us northern types want.

There would be a downside, got to admit that. You folks are pretty colorful in your speech and the way you swagger in camouflage. And entertaining as well. It was a wonderment to watch the entire Republican Party chase itself down the rabbit-hole after Donald. You don’t often get to see that in a major world power.

But secede? Maybe you want to rethink that

You’re right, Kyle. The federal government is out of control and doesn’t represent the values of most Americans. But the embarrassing thing is that it’s you Republicans who got us all out of whack. The Democrats were sailing right along, comfortably in whack, not getting all that much done but not destroying the empire either.

To begin with, Republicans all signed a pledge a quarter century ago that none would ever vote to raise taxes—and stuck by it. I understand an aversion to taxes, but how the hell do you run a country on that basis? Then Newt Gingrich, Speaker of the House at the time destroyed comity in Congress by choosing to refer to Democrats as sick, pathetic, liars, anti-flag, traitors, radical and corrupt. Newt only stopped when he ran out of breath and that wasn’t often.

Republicans concentrated on keeping anything Democrats suggested from happening. Mitch McConnel has stopped the Senate from even bringing to the floor 350 pieces of House legislation this year, while flooding the states with Republican appointed judges. Why? Because the House is currently in Democratic hands.

So the job, Kyle is to stay and work

Bring it back under control instead of cutting and running. Remember, it’s the United States that took Texas from Mexico and gave it to you. Show a little gratitude. That means working with Democrats to create a government that reflects the values of Texans as well as America at large. The key phrase there is at large—not narrow and biased, not focused on rich or poor, not for the victor to take the spoils—at large.

By the way, Kyle, I make you out to be in your early thirties. Kyle was a very popular name for boys in 1990. It’s Scottish, did you know that? And Scotland is getting itself all pumped up at the moment to leave Great Britain. There’s got to be a connection somewhere.


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