Depending upon a ground-swell, a sea-change or some other water-related metaphor, I hereby offer myself as CEO, Chairman and Grand Omnipotent Potentate of the Jack Armstrong Political Action Committee (JAPAC). You may well ask its purpose . . . more on that later. First, to an explanation of its name, which, as all successful marketers know is paramount to recognition, branding, profitable side and after-markets as well as general acceptance by the public, mention by Jon Daily and a slot on Oprah.
Jack Armstrong, as those with a touch of gray at the temples may remember, is the first part of that great American weekly radio show, fully known as “Jack Armstrong, the All-American Boy.” The show ran from 1933 to 1950, so ‘touch of gray’ might in some cases be ‘toothless and drooling.’ No matter, it was sponsored by Wheaties and made ‘breakfast of champions’ a huge brand name. Enough background . . . trust me, he’s an icon, this Armstrong guy, grandly American and will make paying off politicians a brand name as well, instead of the currently scum-baggy association it has with furtiveness and third-party interventions.
We’re going to bring Congressional payoffs out of the darkness and into the sunshine.
Having tried to clean up politics by investigating committees, special prosecutors, district attorneys and ethics committees, we . . . the American people . . . are preparing to join the National Rifle Association, Petroleum Institute, various trade associations and nefarious special interests in the purchase of good government. If we can’t vote for it and having been unable to shame it, we’re going to damn well buy it.
The statistics are favorable. The NRA has for decades prevented the 70% of Americans who favor gun control from getting it . . . for the tiniest of contributions. In the 2000 Senatorial election, the NRA gave John Ashcroft $5,950. For shame, John, we’d have ponied up another hundred bucks, easy. They got Olympia Snow for $3,000, what a bargain.
Shoulda called us, too late now.
Chevron Texaco put Tom DeLay’s vote in the box for $5,000 . . . Tom DeLay, for peanuts . . . of course his value is diminishing by the day and they might get him for a couple grand the next time around. If he’s still around.
I tell you honest government is within striking distance, perhaps for the first time in history.
$260 million for each single dollar contribution, presuming we can count on the whole country. Well, JAPAC wasn’t born yesterday (actually, it was thought-up then), so we know there will be slackers even though they’ll probably begin to demand results as well. But a few folks will kick in two or three bucks, so it’ll even out. Think of it! Decent government for the cost of a box of Wheaties. As CEO, Chairman and Grand Omnipotent Potentate, can you expect me to do my magic on your behalf?